So it seems the more appropriate topic to reinstate the
blog, given my current location, would be something more island-like,
vacation-esque. Something about how I’m more relaxed than ever, that I’m
finding time for myself, that I’m really contemplating life. Yeah… no. While yes, I am quite tranquilo here in this Mexican paradise,
and yes I have found myself contemplating a variety of conundrums some of which
have been newly reinstated after a long hiatus, this is not a soul-searching
self-discovery retreat. I am not Julia Roberts in Eat Pray Love, Diane Lane in
Under the Tuscan Sky, Angela Bassett in How Stella Got Her Groove Back. And, so instead, I am going to start with a
topic that is presumably less expected, less cliché, and quite frankly in my
opinion way more important to way more people. Mom – I will preface this right now by saying
you may wish to stop reading here; I’m about to talk a whole lot about oral
sex.
Many of you, like me, saw it on Facebook – numerous media
outlets posted it. I caught wind via
Huffington Post’s feed. It seems Michael
Douglas was in need of some attention last week, perhaps understandably given Charlie Sheen's ability to hoard it all in the last 24 months (regardless of their relation, or lack thereof). But,
really, Michael – did you have to do it this way? Your little PR stunt of announcing that your
throat cancer was caused by none-other-than performing too much cunnilingus (I
assume I don’t need to explain this to term to my readers, but just in case: that’s
oral sex on a woman) very well could have systematically threatened a good
portion of many women’s only chances of a guaranteed orgasm for years to
come. Really? Really? Why, Michael, why!?! Yes, I know there was an updated story the
next day saying that’s not what he meant.
Fuck off. It doesn’t matter. You said it, bud. You think people are really going to remember
the updated correction? No. Men everywhere who dread the act that so many
of us ladies crave (and for fuck’s sake, even need), now have the perfect excuse in their back pocket – even if
it’s a complete pile of bullshit.
Case in point: just before departing to Mexican paradise, I
shared a drink (yes, tequila!) with a male friend of mine. Mid-drink, he asked unbelievably if I had
heard about Mr. Douglas and his HPV-caused cancer. Dear
God. Thank you, Michael. Here. We. Go. To
my friend’s credit, I happen to know that he isn’t one to shy away from such
gifts in the bedroom, and therefore I don’t think he was looking at this bit of
info as a free pass, but more as a holy
fuck, are you serious?! But, ladies,
we all know that sadly my friend is not the norm (though I do have a theory that
enjoyment of giving oral sex is actually on the rise for men… but that’s a
different story).
And so, I decided it was my duty as a woman (a woman who
very much enjoys oral sex – sorry, Mom!) to make every effort to debunk this
potentially very harmful propaganda. And so, here are my What the Fuck,
Michael? Fun Facts.
Disclaimer: I am not a statistician, nor a researcher, so I
will whole-heartedly admit that my statistics below could be completely off,
but I’m willing to take that gamble. They may not be completely perfect, but I have
to believe that the sociology major in me can’t be completely off track here.
You tell me….
WTF Michael? Fun Fact #1:
HPV is not a female-only affliction. In fact, the reason HPV is so prevalent these
days is because half the infected population – ahem, MEN – almost never have
any signs or symptoms for most strains.
Therefore, one could look at this and say, “Yo Michael, you’re sure it
was only cunnilingus that got you here?
Technically, it could be fellatio as well, my friend. How many dudes have you gone down on in the
last 55 years?” Moreover, once Mr. Douglas was diagnosed, did he refuse blowjobs from Catherine just to minimize her risk? Hmmmm... something tells me No.
WTF Michael? Fun Fact #2:
It is estimated now that nearly all sexually active men and
women will have HPV at some point in their lives, including those who have only
had one sexual partner and those who always use a condom. It’s that
prevalent. But yes, while there are
risks associated with some strains, it is relatively harmless on the STI/STD Richter
scale and quite frankly the risks associated with HPV are so much higher for
women than they are for men. There are
over 120 different types of HPV, 40 of which are sexually transmitted, and only
15 of which are considered high-risk strains carrying the threat of
cancers. And, of those 15 high-risk
strains, only 2 are associated with Mr.
Douglas’ now famous oropharynx (back of the throat) cancer. The other 13 are spread across the rest of
the body, including ovarian, colorectal, and cervical. In fact, of the 33,000 HPV-associated cancer
cases that occur annually in the US, 21,000 are women-only cancers. You see, HPV-caused cancer is not a new
thing, fellas. We’ve been dealing with
this risk for years.
WTF Michael? Fun Fact #3:
According the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
(CDC), there are only about 5,600 men in the US who get oropharynx cancer each
year – most of which are linked to alcohol and tobacco use, not HPV.
So let’s put this in
perspective: There are 316 million people
in the US right now, 49% of which are men (155 million). Now, for the purposes of this argument, I’m
going to be conservative and only count those over 20 years of age as those who
are sexually active. The US Census
Bureau estimates that 75% of the population is over the age of 20, making the
sexually active male population of the US roughly 116 million men (yes, I
realize that’s assuming all men over 20 are having sex… but I’m going with it). SOOOOOOOOO… of 116 million sexually active
men, 5,600 get “back of the throat” cancer each year. If the calculator app on my iPhone is
correct, that means only about .004% of sexually active men in the US actually
get oropharynx cancer each year, most of which can only be linked to alcohol
and tobacco-use. Point zero zero four
percent!!!! I hate to break it to you,
but we have a much higher percentage risk of getting pregnant while using a
condom than that. Perhaps we should go
abstinence only until we want to have a baby?
Yeah, I didn’t think so.
All in all, I am in no way trying to downplay the
seriousness of HPV or its potential cause for more serious or life-threatening
health issues. But, I do find it
borderline offensive the amount of attention Mr. Douglas’ comment got, and for
the reasons that it got such attention. HPV is not a new thing. HPV-caused cancer is not a new thing. And Michael
Douglas’ throat cancer is not a new thing.
Now, more than ever, parents of all 13-year-old boys and girls should
schedule their Gardisil vaccinations for the obvious health implications – and
if not for that, then for the longevity of equal-opportunity oral-induced
orgasms for years to come.
Now, if only this blogpost and others like it could go as
viral (no pun intended) as Mr. Fuck You Douglas’ original statements did. Nope, not gonna happen. However, how about this? Consider posting this on your Facebook feed,
and anytime you hear some guy say something about the risk of getting throat
cancer from tasting the divine fruit between his lady’s thighs (nevermind
giving her all the pleasure she deserves), help a lady out and offer him a WTF
Michael Fun Fact.
All original
statistics on HPV and US Population came from the Centers for Disease Care andPrevention and the United States Census Bureau. The rest of the conclusions –
correct or not – are brought to you straight from my mojito-infused afternoon
on the beach.
