Rain Like a Lullaby

Can't say this wasn't a bit of a weird day…

Woke up with a somewhat sickening realization, one that left me feeling disappointed, oblivious, and a bit undesirable. Gotta love those awakenings when you are lost in thought before you even open your eyes. Not regret, per say… just a slow, yet so sudden, realization. This is vague, I know… but vague is a good description of it.

Then, I proceed to disregard the blaring Tsunami Warning alarm going off outside, its purpose to encourage people to evacuate coastlines, and head to the hills. As I sit on the bed (in a house just feet from such coastline), and make no move to do such things, I can't help but wonder if I will be one of the dumb dead who blindly ignored a blatant warning of danger. Instead, we go for coffee (priorities, you know). Mid-Latte, we learn that there has apparently been some sort of a "malfunction". I hope that the next time the alarm goes off, it will be another malfunction, because I am pretty damn sure I will have just about the same reaction. No, Mom, I DON'T have a plan for this.

On my cloudy, contemplative drive back across the island to my house, I finally talk to Friend. A week and a half ago, I made the decision to start my plans for leaving Maui in the Fall. And my plans have taken shape in a big N-Y. Excited to fill my best friend in on my new plans, I am shocked to hear he has some new plans of his own… to move to New York in September. What? Crazy! Still a little dumb-founded. Hope you meant it, Charlie, when you said you wished you had some Seattle there with you! Cause, Baby, I think you are about to get a bit of a treat!

New York? You ask. But you just moved to Maui last year. Yes, this I know (but thanks for reminding me). And, as I've known for a long time now, one place is not for me right now. I crave the adventure, the process of falling in love with a new location, a new environment, new people. Not because I hate the present or regret the past, but because I crave the future. I am 25 – TWENTY FIVE! – and I am doing what I want. I am creating my life. And, I am enamored with it.

As I closed up the store tonight, I listened to my messages, and a voice came across the phone that I hadn't heard for quite some time. In fact, I wondered how long it might be before I heard this voice. And, it took my breath away. The Voice and I have a long and happy history that became complicated in the most unexpected, yet endearing way. And, I have forgiven the Voice for its absence because I know how it has been feeling these past few months. I know it scarringly well (yes - I am aware this is not a word, but just go with it). The irony: on my way to work today, I dropped a birthday card in the mail – it was addressed to the Voice. Yes, it took my breath away.

Anyway, I think now I will go to sleep. Slip into clean sheets, enjoy my own bed, and dream freely, continuously, and without interruption. The rain falling outside is like a lullaby. Ahh… this is my life. My ever-expanding life.

6 Months

Well, it's here... the 6th month mark. And apparently all of this is normal right about now: the constant need for reassurance, the long phone conversations, the text messages, the emails. And, the desperation for someone from home to come visit.

I cried today at the mention of a name of someone from home. Cried! And, I was at work, behind the bar at Starbucks. What is wrong with me? I don't cry over shit like that. EVER! Don't even utter the letters, P-M-S. Not it, my friend, not it.

It's wierd... I am having fun on Maui (the really good kind of fun, the kind where you know you will look back on this with sick sort of pride or nostalgia - "yeah, I did that") but, God Damn, I am missing Seattle suddenly. I am missing all of you in Seattle....

So how long does this typical 6th month mark behavior last???

You

I miss you. I do. I know you think that I am side-tracked, distracted, in another world... and maybe I am, but I do miss you. I love that you know me inside and out. That you have no hesitation holding my head up when I am sick from too much Vodka-cran (a situation I may be in later tonight). I love that you know my secret. You know how to love me... what to say and what not to say. And i miss that. You are my friend, no more, no less. And I do miss you. I am sorry if I act as though I don't. I do it out of need to feel less dependent, less committed, less vulnerable. Not out of a need to hurt you. Forgive me.....

You have been lovely, for years. Promise me you'll be that way forever... no matter how far apart we are.