Hmmmm... so its 3:19 a.m. and I'm awake. Why? I have no idea. My bed has suddenly started to make noises. I'm not kidding. It has, in the last few days, developed a squeak. The kicker – it's a wooden bed, so what's squeaking, I'm not entirely sure. With any kind of movement (no, not even just THAT kind of movement), I am suddenly aware of present restlessness. So maybe that's why.
Or maybe I'm stressed – people like to blame a lot of shit on stress. You say, "My neck hurts" or "my eye is twitching" or "I'm exhausted" and they say, "Dude, it's stress" as if it's going to relieve the problem just like that. But, though I have about 692 things going on right now, I don't really feel stressed. While being pulled in every direction at the same time isn't for everyone, I've always thought I kinda like it when the demand is high. But, who knows, maybe its stress from the invisible stress that's stressing me out and waking me up.
Or, maybe its that I'm being haunted. By ghosts? Maybe – it is close to Halloween. But, more likely, haunted by memories – good and bad, pretty and ugly. By the desire to go back to something, or erase something else. Haunted by a touch, a smell, a taste that wakes me up and startles me at the realization that it's not real – not now, not this time. My sudden waking is sometimes a relief, and many other times a disappointment. The live warmth, or the smell of lavender musk, or the faint taste of chapstick is still soothing, even in my most comatic of slumbers, and when I wake up, I feel calm, loved, and lucky. But bright redness has also crept into my dreams again lately, and I push it away the best that I can, self medicating with all things new, nightly kava leaves, and sheer stubbornness of my psyche. I've come so far in 18 months and worked hard to make the harsh, bright and brassy red turn to a deep, warm and soothing red. I will not give in easily to a reappearance. So, maybe that's what has me up.
Whatever it is, its now 4:20 and I'm shivering from the winter coolness that has decided to drop in so quickly and suddenly this year. My eyelids are growing heavy again so I will creep back upstairs and into a warm bed, and hope for three more hours of uninterrupted – stress free, unhaunted, and quiet – sleep.
