For you, because I know...

As I watch the tears fill to the brim and finally pour over and down her cheeks, my heart sinks. I know how she is feeling. I know it well. The pain, the absolute and utter disbelief, and the panicked feeling that she can't breath. It suffocates her soul and rattles even the deepest part of her. Because even though she knows better, it still feels like it was all for nothing. Years of pain to save something no longer worth saving. It's over. Enough is finally enough. Her one just became her no-one. And it's unbearable.

I know that there is nothing anyone can say or do to make her feel any better. Nothing. There are no words, no actions. I cannot hug her, I cannot tell her its going to be alright or that its better off this way. I cannot tell her that in time she will feel free, be stronger, feel trust again. Because none of this matters at this moment. There's a reason they call it heartache. Because, though you are exhausted and your entire body hurts, its your heart and chest that feel the worst.

The only thing I can offer is this - a saying that I have chanted in some of my darkest hours: "Into life a little rain must fall… but we must not lose hope that the sun will soon break again." Because it will, my love – afterall, yesterday was the first day of Summer.

Week in Review

Through the drunken wine haze, a lot happened this week. Let's see, what shall I highlight....

1. Had a raving 3 month review which emphasized even more how much I love my job. I keep waiting for the ball to drop, for that realization that its not quite as good as it seems, for someone to turn out to be a real asshole. But, hmmm... no signs of that just yet. I like this feeling.

2. Reminisced about my lovely trip to NYC. God, that was fun - "fucking amazing" is actually the agreed upon description. Charlie was a lovely host as always, and it was the perfect balance of touristy crap and just hanging out with some of my favorite people. Wow... I can't believe its over and I no longer have the countdown... sigh.

3. Next, realized I might be having feelings for someone I swore I'd never have feelings for again. I had done so well building that wall, making sure it was fairly sturdy, and even decorating it sometimes with notes of a friendship. And then it came crashing down, violently, suddenly, and grippingly. And it scared the hell out of me. Apparently it wasn't earthquake-proof. Damn it.

4. Battled a cancer scare and came out on the winning side (imagine the Rocky victory dance). After 3 months of "should have" thinking and dodging the pitiful "how are you doing" inquiries, the last moment of truth arrived: and, the final tests revealed that I could breathe easy again. Wow - I wonder how many years that little scare shaved off my now again potentially long life....

5. I dug a deep deep hole and buried the aforementioned feelings - time to rebuild the wall, one cobblestone at a time. Now that I know I live on a fault line, it'll be real strong. I've hired a few contractors to help (you know who you are). Trust me, its better this way. There's too much risk and I can't open myself up to the possibility of getting hurt again - not just yet anyway.

6. And, last, but certainly not least -- I've watched a shitload of Sex and the City (you can just call me Carrie from now on - hey, I used to at least have the hair). Roomie and I are addicted. I've seen them all how many times? Doesn't matter... we're smack dab in the middle of the series and loving it. It's pretty much complete brilliance in my mind. And perfect for the love/lust rollercoaster so many of us seem to be on right now.

So there's that. I suppose the week isn't exactly over yet - there's one more night. So who knows... something more could make the list - if you're really good, that is

Zoom zoom zoom

I took immensely good care of my car at first. I washed it every week, made sure it was always vacuumed out and dusted. Never missed an oil change. If someone placed their purse or their bag or anything anywhere on it, I'd quickly pick it up and look at them like "What the fuck, man?" I'd be sure to park only in well-lit areas and hit the lock button two or three times when I left it – you know, just to be sure. And, I let no one else drive it. Then, I got in an accident. And my pretty shiny baby was no longer pretty nor shiny. Still drivable, I waited a couple of months to have it fixed. And the lag time was detrimental. I let the dirt and sand pile up in the back seats, the dash became spattered with dust, and the 3000-Mile oil change became an Eh-Whenever oil change. I took no notice when purses and keys and such were set on the hood. It was like this feeling of Its Already Damaged took over the car's existence. Suddenly I didn't feel the need to be cautious and careful, and I no longer worried about what was happening to this once prized possession.

I wonder, is this what happened to my heart, too? For years I held back, worried about the condition of it if certain things happened. I guarded and cared for it, kept it clean. I rarely let anyone else handle it. But then, after a collision, it became damaged. And suddenly there was no need to be cautious and careful. Where I once tread lightly with trepidation, I now turn off censorship and inhibition and stomp right on in. And, when hurt again, I no longer feel the "What the fuck, man?" affect. Instead it is replaced by the Eh-Whatever affect. To hell with well-lit safe areas – the sexiness of low-lit danger lures me. Afterall, there's no need to keep it pretty and shiny; you see, it's already damaged.

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Well, wasn't that depressing? It amazes me that I can write such sad shit even when I am so apparently happy. Because, believe me, baby – I am ha-appy. But I like this analogy up top and considered putting a positive spin on it to match my newfound elation. I was going to stress wise instead of damaged and confident instead of careless, but quite frankly positive just isn't quite as poetic. So fuck it, depressing is what you got. And you liked it, didn't you?

As I break my cardinal rule of never acknowledging that several people read this shit I'll add this: For those of you asking – I'll attempt to provide an entertaining NYC recap blog soon, I promise. I just gotta choose a good theme to focus it around – because, believe me, there are several suitable options. So check back soon.