A good New Year's kiss really is amazing.
Sunlight does wonders for the soul.
Say what you feel when you feel it – because it's what's real that counts.
A kumquat is not a squash; it's a fruit.
Returning home is sometimes harder than leaving in the first place.
It CAN happen to anybody, and it does more than you think.
Credit Cards are the devil.
A bottle of wine, chips & salsa, and a sunset on the beach with a good friend can bandage any emotional wound.
I may want you, but I don't NEED you.
Be careful what you wish for – it just may come true.
You don't have to like everybody. And, not everybody has to like you.
Trust your gut; if something doesn't seem right, it probably isn't.
Never sleep with a friend.
Gluten-free may be good for you, but it's not good (even when its served as breakfast in bed).
There's really no need to be in such a hurry.
Some secrets are good to keep.
I may not want to be with you, but damn it, I want you to want to be with me.
Soy really shouldn't be steamed hotter than 130 degrees.
Al natural is prettier than you think.
Being flattered by someone's affection is not the same as returning the feeling.
Sometimes, all you have to do is ask.
Blondes might have more fun; but, Brunettes get more respect.
When it comes down to it we really don't want to be with someone who doesn't really want to be with us.
Risking it all to have one thing is worth more than risking nothing to have everything.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Saturday, December 2, 2006
Ladies! And The One...
Among my girlfriends there seems to be a common trend - There Are No Men... But, yet, I must ask: Are you sure its that men are missing? Listening to our discussions, I can't help laugh at the irony. When it comes down to it, Men are there. They are just not the the ones that you want to be with. In order to find him, apparently you must weed through the following:
The one you don't want to be with but wants to be with you.
The one you once were with, but for some reason aren't now.
The one that's javascript:void(0)perfect... and perfectly unavailable.
The one you wish you could love but just don't.
The one you use to get by.
The one that uses you to get by.
The one you will always be enamored with, but never do anything about.
The one you are ashamed of.
The one you are flattered by.
The one that appeared at the wrong time and dissappeared at the right time.
The one that makes you laugh so much, but also makes you cry too much.
The one that looks like a 10 through the end of a wine glass.
The one you know you shouldn't be with, but can't help it and are.
And the list goes on. However, those we can all get over. But there's ONE we can't, for some reason. And that is: The one you want to be with but just doesn't want to be with you. Why is that? I talk to women everyday with the same story, working to get the same thing. All of them hoping He will notice her, or He will change his mind, or He will call, or He will ask her out, or He will profess his love. And all of them are trying to be so careful in there moves in order to get these things.
Why, I ask. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't call? Who doesn't say I love you? Who doesn't notice you? Who you feel you need to be so careful with? Ladies - we must stop this! We must brush this category off with the others, stop getting hung up on this ONE.
Ultimately, we do NOT want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with us. We really don't. I guarantee it. Don't be blinded by society's notions of The Chase. Yes, the chase is real, and its fun, and at times necessary. But at a point, its a ghost of an excuse. He's not going to change his mind, and if he does - you shouldn't be there waiting for it. Free yourself from that - liberate your time, your emotions, and your will. Do it and you just might find exactly what you are looking for.
With that said... you'll have to excuse me; one of my ONEs called - I am meeting him for a drink....
The one you don't want to be with but wants to be with you.
The one you once were with, but for some reason aren't now.
The one that's javascript:void(0)perfect... and perfectly unavailable.
The one you wish you could love but just don't.
The one you use to get by.
The one that uses you to get by.
The one you will always be enamored with, but never do anything about.
The one you are ashamed of.
The one you are flattered by.
The one that appeared at the wrong time and dissappeared at the right time.
The one that makes you laugh so much, but also makes you cry too much.
The one that looks like a 10 through the end of a wine glass.
The one you know you shouldn't be with, but can't help it and are.
And the list goes on. However, those we can all get over. But there's ONE we can't, for some reason. And that is: The one you want to be with but just doesn't want to be with you. Why is that? I talk to women everyday with the same story, working to get the same thing. All of them hoping He will notice her, or He will change his mind, or He will call, or He will ask her out, or He will profess his love. And all of them are trying to be so careful in there moves in order to get these things.
Why, I ask. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't call? Who doesn't say I love you? Who doesn't notice you? Who you feel you need to be so careful with? Ladies - we must stop this! We must brush this category off with the others, stop getting hung up on this ONE.
Ultimately, we do NOT want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with us. We really don't. I guarantee it. Don't be blinded by society's notions of The Chase. Yes, the chase is real, and its fun, and at times necessary. But at a point, its a ghost of an excuse. He's not going to change his mind, and if he does - you shouldn't be there waiting for it. Free yourself from that - liberate your time, your emotions, and your will. Do it and you just might find exactly what you are looking for.
With that said... you'll have to excuse me; one of my ONEs called - I am meeting him for a drink....
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Red Ghost
I saw a ghost last night. He haunted my restless sleep. Made me dream in color, in red, in blood. He's been absent for quite some time now, but last night he appeared again. As always his face is blurred out, not like that of a tv program hiding identity, but more like the inability of a camera to focus on a fast moving object. In my dream I felt no physical pain, had no voice to scream. I just held the fear that I recognize from my distorted memory. The paralyzed and dry fear that I remember.
Unlike it was in reality, I was outside last night. A warm rain was falling all around me, but not on me, and I wanted so badly to be comforted by the normally enchanting patter of the raindrops. My face was pressed this time in dirt, my right cheek aching from the pressure. I hear the sound of bass, beating steady as if a car full of teenagers is driving by. After a moment, I realize the bass is my heart, echoing with each beat, making it sound as if I have two. As if the second beat is encouraging the first beat to repeat. Don't Stop, it pounds. Don't Give Up.
And then I realize it: the ghost I see is not my enemy; my enemy is there, yes, but the ghost is my angel, my second heart beat, my faith that I too, like so many others, would survive this.
I wake up and see that I have been asleep for all of 12 minutes. The night has just begun.
Unlike it was in reality, I was outside last night. A warm rain was falling all around me, but not on me, and I wanted so badly to be comforted by the normally enchanting patter of the raindrops. My face was pressed this time in dirt, my right cheek aching from the pressure. I hear the sound of bass, beating steady as if a car full of teenagers is driving by. After a moment, I realize the bass is my heart, echoing with each beat, making it sound as if I have two. As if the second beat is encouraging the first beat to repeat. Don't Stop, it pounds. Don't Give Up.
And then I realize it: the ghost I see is not my enemy; my enemy is there, yes, but the ghost is my angel, my second heart beat, my faith that I too, like so many others, would survive this.
I wake up and see that I have been asleep for all of 12 minutes. The night has just begun.
Monday, November 6, 2006
Sunrise...
So its been awhile since I've felt relief. I had almost forgotten what it felt like. Its been overpowered by so many other emotions, some of which were valid, others not so valid. But I finally felt it today. For the first time since I got back from Hawai'i, I feel like its all going to be okay. This weekend was full of reunion, fun, goodness, completely unexpected excitement, a final realizaiton, and possibility. The coming weekend, while I will be tying up some loose ends, will mainly be a weekend of breathing, freely, with the comfort that things are finally looking up.
Stability is on the horizon, and peaking over the mountain with it, staring me straight in the eye, is the thing I constantly strive for: happiness.
Stability is on the horizon, and peaking over the mountain with it, staring me straight in the eye, is the thing I constantly strive for: happiness.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Waiting... patiently, of course
I am used to the waiting game. Sometimes I feel like I have spent my whole life waiting - in line, in traffic, in the emergency room, for you, for him, for her, for your mom, for something better, for someone better, for good news, for bad news, for really bad news, in vain, in tears, while barely suppressing laughter, to die, to fall asleep, to wake up, to get up, to say something, for it to get good, for you to finish, for the damn mail, for countless emails, for a certain phonecall, a text message, a myspace message, for the climax, for a sale, for payday, for the pain to stop, for the pain to start, for test results and for the second test results, for pictures to be developed, for my big break, for fireworks, for the rain to let up, for snow, for a heartbeat, for more.
And now I must wait until Friday to find out if I got the job.
And now I must wait until Friday to find out if I got the job.
Wednesday, September 6, 2006
Free admission - inquire within
After months of dry eyes and a numb soul, it finally broke. The culmination of so many stresses finally weighed heavy enough on my chest to jumpstart my barely beating heart. Before the resuscitation, it was as if pressure was building up within, suffocating breath. Like cracks rapidly forming to spur on an avalanche, I could feel the brink approaching. With each new happening, each new stress, each new set back, the cracks formed more quickly, running eventually to the center and piercing open a cold glacier. And at the moment of the split, I gasped for air, shook, and wanted to push him away. Instead, I grabbed tighter and cried louder. Instead, I finally allowed myself to feel again. For months, I have wanted to cry, yet even at my hardest attempt, I couldn't; now, the salty tears fall in a steady, unmanageable stream. And they dont seem to want to stop.
Its not one thing or two things, or the obvious things or the not-so-obvious things. Its everything. I have been robbed of my wide-open love, my trust in anyone, and my bravery. All I want is to have it all back. I see no light at the end of my ravenous tunnel. Numbness has consumed me and perfected a fear-induced apathy. Recently, I have held even the most intimate people at length, giving the impression that I am completely emotionally detached (when maybe I am not) and unable to say I feel differently (when maybe I do). That their touch and kind words are nothing more than acts before me. Maybe worse, that their harsh words, behavior, demeanor are nothing more than acts before me.
My eyes burn tonight, as do other parts of me - my pride, my optimism, my heart, my ambition. I'm tired, so so tired. It will get better, you say? Yes, I know - I used to believe this too.
Its not one thing or two things, or the obvious things or the not-so-obvious things. Its everything. I have been robbed of my wide-open love, my trust in anyone, and my bravery. All I want is to have it all back. I see no light at the end of my ravenous tunnel. Numbness has consumed me and perfected a fear-induced apathy. Recently, I have held even the most intimate people at length, giving the impression that I am completely emotionally detached (when maybe I am not) and unable to say I feel differently (when maybe I do). That their touch and kind words are nothing more than acts before me. Maybe worse, that their harsh words, behavior, demeanor are nothing more than acts before me.
My eyes burn tonight, as do other parts of me - my pride, my optimism, my heart, my ambition. I'm tired, so so tired. It will get better, you say? Yes, I know - I used to believe this too.
Saturday, September 2, 2006
Funerals
I am no stranger to such events, and know the exhaustion that stems from them surprisingly well, even at my so-called "young age". I remember one time when I was really young someone asking me if I went to church regularly. Having never been to "mass" or "service" with my family on a normal Sunday, I thought, I go to funerals regularly, does that count? Through the multiple episodes of sadness, I did come to find one common thread, though: no matter who, what or how, Death always teaches us at least one new thing about Life.
Friday, August 18, 2006
8 months back
Its been two months since I've:
had truly sun-kissed skin, heard the sound of the ocean echoing in my ear, tasted salt water on my lips, had naturally perfect ringlets, donned a bathing suit, spent the afternoon gazing at beautiful brown bodies dancing on the water, gotten lost in reggae, dabbled in herbal relaxation, felt sand in my between my toes and in my sheets, taken a cold shower, watched a glorious sunset, used my camera, made fun of tourists, enjoyed anything with macadamia nuts, not thought twice about seeing an abandoned charred vehicle on the side of the road, star-gazed at La Perouse, heard the surf report, been invited to a luau, went hiking, swam in a waterfall, kissed you hello and goodbye everytime we met...
However, I have:
re-connected with old friends, made some new friends, enjoyed the satisfaction of efficiency and productivity, made some really great home-cooked meals, hugged my parents and sister and grandparents, been to 2 baseball games, heard some REALLY GOOD live music, not worried about getting skin cancer, felt truly safe, been able to call my parents as late as 9 pm, begun to tell my story, laughed to the point of tears, trusted someone enough to let go again, worn my favorite sweater and a pair of heels, wrapped up in sheets and blankets and not die of heat exhaustion, gone days without needing to drive my car, rid myself of coffee hell, started volunteering again....
Has it really been 2 months?
had truly sun-kissed skin, heard the sound of the ocean echoing in my ear, tasted salt water on my lips, had naturally perfect ringlets, donned a bathing suit, spent the afternoon gazing at beautiful brown bodies dancing on the water, gotten lost in reggae, dabbled in herbal relaxation, felt sand in my between my toes and in my sheets, taken a cold shower, watched a glorious sunset, used my camera, made fun of tourists, enjoyed anything with macadamia nuts, not thought twice about seeing an abandoned charred vehicle on the side of the road, star-gazed at La Perouse, heard the surf report, been invited to a luau, went hiking, swam in a waterfall, kissed you hello and goodbye everytime we met...
However, I have:
re-connected with old friends, made some new friends, enjoyed the satisfaction of efficiency and productivity, made some really great home-cooked meals, hugged my parents and sister and grandparents, been to 2 baseball games, heard some REALLY GOOD live music, not worried about getting skin cancer, felt truly safe, been able to call my parents as late as 9 pm, begun to tell my story, laughed to the point of tears, trusted someone enough to let go again, worn my favorite sweater and a pair of heels, wrapped up in sheets and blankets and not die of heat exhaustion, gone days without needing to drive my car, rid myself of coffee hell, started volunteering again....
Has it really been 2 months?
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Leo & Paper Gowns
I just saw a preview for Romeo + Juliet ( you know the one with Claire Danes and Leonardo DiCaprio). Oh, God, I was so in love with Leo. I literally saw the movie in the theater like 8 times. I bought the movie on the day it was released for purchase. I listened incessantly to the soundtrack, romanticizing a starcrossed lovestory for myself. Afterall, if my Romeo looked like that, I'd be okay with the dying thing. Ha!
So I had yet another doctor's appointment today (now, now - no need to worry, promise). Do you know that suddenly now they no longer provide cloth gowns for you to change into? The doctor instructs me to get undressed and proceeds to hand me a PAPER gown. Seriously? Yes. As if doctor exams aren't uncomfortable enough, they've now decided to make it even more of a dreadful visit. Jesus. Who's idea was this? I am going to venture out and guess it was a man's. Probably something about saving on washing. While I will admit there are a few procedures you must endure that are less than comfortable, you guys really have no concept of the shit we put up with yearly in the medical world. And, now, just when we thought that the ugly, thin, flowered gown was bad enough, they take that away from us. Here, use this napkin instead. Whatever - just don't even think about uttering the words, "now try to relax"....
So I had yet another doctor's appointment today (now, now - no need to worry, promise). Do you know that suddenly now they no longer provide cloth gowns for you to change into? The doctor instructs me to get undressed and proceeds to hand me a PAPER gown. Seriously? Yes. As if doctor exams aren't uncomfortable enough, they've now decided to make it even more of a dreadful visit. Jesus. Who's idea was this? I am going to venture out and guess it was a man's. Probably something about saving on washing. While I will admit there are a few procedures you must endure that are less than comfortable, you guys really have no concept of the shit we put up with yearly in the medical world. And, now, just when we thought that the ugly, thin, flowered gown was bad enough, they take that away from us. Here, use this napkin instead. Whatever - just don't even think about uttering the words, "now try to relax"....
Sunday, August 6, 2006
No sleep for Sara
Have you ever been so entirely exhausted that you can't sleep? Thats what I get for 2 nights of too much fun and pretty much no sleep. Its a sickening feeling. One that leaves you unable to think clearly, produce any sort of real emotion, or carry on an even remotely intelligent conversation. Of course this is when I get phone calls that I would rather be somewhat coherent to be involved in. Yes, sorry to say, I just cleared your phone call. I just can't right now.
So... I am done with Starbucks - completely! I actually didn't work the full day. The aforementioned exhaustion rendered me nauseous and completely unfunctionable. Seriously - I haven't drank in how long, and yet felt like I was emersed in the hangover of my life. I had to run to the Ladies room at the smell of the steaming milk, and then again while mixing the mocha. God help me if I ever must suffer through pregnancy - they say smells are intensified when you are with-child. A thought, which in itself, throws me inside a bit of panic. Ugh. So, yeah, on my last day of the job where I didn't give the proper two weeks, I had to leave early. Oh well. Its done now - won't dwell on it, Sara.
On a more positive note... I LOVE MY NEW JOB!!!! Though my previous political position was less than satisfying, I am thrilled with the prospects of this one. After only week, I feel more energized and motivated at work than most of the last 18 months. Yes, I think this will be a good one. I'll keep you posted.
Well, this entry is noticably boring, this I realize. Sorry. Nothing interesting, while appropriate, seems to be surfacing right now. You know, I seem to come up with some of the best material when I am driving, an obviously poor time to blog. Hey, I know! I could get one of those tape recorders and talk to myself on my drive home. Ha! Can you imagine!?! Hmmm... I wonder how much those things cost?
Okay, my need for some sound REM sleep is overwhelming me. Time to slip into bed, and fall into a pleasant dream. The morning alarm will no doubt be ringing just moments from now, signaling the start of a new and hopefully promising week.
PS... it should be noted that though I bitch, it was worth it. Yes, definitely worth it.
So... I am done with Starbucks - completely! I actually didn't work the full day. The aforementioned exhaustion rendered me nauseous and completely unfunctionable. Seriously - I haven't drank in how long, and yet felt like I was emersed in the hangover of my life. I had to run to the Ladies room at the smell of the steaming milk, and then again while mixing the mocha. God help me if I ever must suffer through pregnancy - they say smells are intensified when you are with-child. A thought, which in itself, throws me inside a bit of panic. Ugh. So, yeah, on my last day of the job where I didn't give the proper two weeks, I had to leave early. Oh well. Its done now - won't dwell on it, Sara.
On a more positive note... I LOVE MY NEW JOB!!!! Though my previous political position was less than satisfying, I am thrilled with the prospects of this one. After only week, I feel more energized and motivated at work than most of the last 18 months. Yes, I think this will be a good one. I'll keep you posted.
Well, this entry is noticably boring, this I realize. Sorry. Nothing interesting, while appropriate, seems to be surfacing right now. You know, I seem to come up with some of the best material when I am driving, an obviously poor time to blog. Hey, I know! I could get one of those tape recorders and talk to myself on my drive home. Ha! Can you imagine!?! Hmmm... I wonder how much those things cost?
Okay, my need for some sound REM sleep is overwhelming me. Time to slip into bed, and fall into a pleasant dream. The morning alarm will no doubt be ringing just moments from now, signaling the start of a new and hopefully promising week.
PS... it should be noted that though I bitch, it was worth it. Yes, definitely worth it.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
What does LUCK have to do with it?
So, I started my first day of work at a mainland Starbucks today. Not bad for a first day. Nothing like Maui, but then again I knew that before I even stepped in the door. Way busier than Queen K, and a lot more crowded behind the counter - sometimes as many as 8 partners on the floor! There are a few drinks that I am having to learn - but no big deal. The store is a mansion compared to Queen K... 2 floors and a balcony, bathrooms, and a huge back room. Crazy. Takes about 15 mins to do a thorough lobby. Only made about 10 frappacinos today, and not one of 'em was caramel - talk about shock! I'm generally covered in that caramel shit by the time I come home. Yes this is very different.
Couldn't help but want to call and tell *** how my first day in Seattle Coffee Hell was... but, aparently that's not allowed anymore. That's what happens when you abandon possibility... you lose the right to call and say how your day went.
How's this for luck? On my way back from picking up my car from the shipping dock this morning, I got pulled over. Couldn't fucking believe it. I went into a complete panic when I saw the lights. One, my bank account does not harbor money for speeding tickets and Two, just coming from the boat I hadn't put my registration back in the glove compartment yet. Shit. As I sat there, waiting for Mr. Cop to stroll up to my window, I frantically debated on what to say, on my best bet to get out of a possible citation. They say tears work... but crying wasn't really an option as tears haven't been easy to come by for me lately. Just think of the negative number in your bank account if you get a ticket, Sara... that will make you cry. C'mon, you can do it. Gulp. Nothing. "Hawaii, huh?" Congratulations you can read, officer. "Yep, just picked up my car an hour ago." "I'll need to see your license and proof of insurance." And registration? In all my haste, I hand him my insurance card and a credit card. "Uh, you can have that back, Ma'am." Fuck. "Sorry, guess you don't need that. Hell, I don't need that. Not like there's any room left on it." I force myself to shut up and hand him my brightly colored Hawaii ID. "You just moved here from Kihei?" "Yep." "Why?" The million dollar question. And with that, they come... tears. Not a plethora of them, just two - one from each eye, slowing streaming down my cheeks. "I don't know now... mainly because I couldn't afford it anymore." AKA, I can't pay that ticket you're about to write, so PLEASE don't write it!! Sniffle, sniffle. He sighs and goes back to his motorcycle for a few minutes and I am sure he is writing me a big fat ticket. No doubt about this one. I am definitely going further into debt today. Fuck. He comes back. "My wife and I have a condo in Kihei. We love it there." Lovely - good for you. Must be nice. Just give me the God damned ticket and get it over with. Seriously. "You were going 56 in a 40. I'm giving you a warning today. Take care." I just stare at him as he walks off. Either the guy has a real fondness for that condo in Kihei, or he got the not-so-subtle hints that a ticket could be somewhat financially tragic. Or, maybe it was the tears....
Couldn't help but want to call and tell *** how my first day in Seattle Coffee Hell was... but, aparently that's not allowed anymore. That's what happens when you abandon possibility... you lose the right to call and say how your day went.
How's this for luck? On my way back from picking up my car from the shipping dock this morning, I got pulled over. Couldn't fucking believe it. I went into a complete panic when I saw the lights. One, my bank account does not harbor money for speeding tickets and Two, just coming from the boat I hadn't put my registration back in the glove compartment yet. Shit. As I sat there, waiting for Mr. Cop to stroll up to my window, I frantically debated on what to say, on my best bet to get out of a possible citation. They say tears work... but crying wasn't really an option as tears haven't been easy to come by for me lately. Just think of the negative number in your bank account if you get a ticket, Sara... that will make you cry. C'mon, you can do it. Gulp. Nothing. "Hawaii, huh?" Congratulations you can read, officer. "Yep, just picked up my car an hour ago." "I'll need to see your license and proof of insurance." And registration? In all my haste, I hand him my insurance card and a credit card. "Uh, you can have that back, Ma'am." Fuck. "Sorry, guess you don't need that. Hell, I don't need that. Not like there's any room left on it." I force myself to shut up and hand him my brightly colored Hawaii ID. "You just moved here from Kihei?" "Yep." "Why?" The million dollar question. And with that, they come... tears. Not a plethora of them, just two - one from each eye, slowing streaming down my cheeks. "I don't know now... mainly because I couldn't afford it anymore." AKA, I can't pay that ticket you're about to write, so PLEASE don't write it!! Sniffle, sniffle. He sighs and goes back to his motorcycle for a few minutes and I am sure he is writing me a big fat ticket. No doubt about this one. I am definitely going further into debt today. Fuck. He comes back. "My wife and I have a condo in Kihei. We love it there." Lovely - good for you. Must be nice. Just give me the God damned ticket and get it over with. Seriously. "You were going 56 in a 40. I'm giving you a warning today. Take care." I just stare at him as he walks off. Either the guy has a real fondness for that condo in Kihei, or he got the not-so-subtle hints that a ticket could be somewhat financially tragic. Or, maybe it was the tears....
Saturday, July 1, 2006
Panic?
AAHHHH!! What did I do? The move back was supposed to be EASY!!!! Ugh...
No, its not that bad. I am just the queen of nostalgia - you're right, Mom, the grass IS always greener on the other side! Its been great seeing my family and Seattle friends again! I have just spend the week back in Idaho with my family... went from sunbathing on the sandy beach to working in the fields on a dirty farm. Talk about culture shock. Luckily I adapt well.
Back in Seattle this weekend, its time to start to seriously RE-adjust. No more whining about what I left, no more calculating the time difference, and no more daydreaming about what all those that I left are doing there on the island. Time to get serious. I start work at the Greenlake Starbucks (yes, the really nice one with the balcony!) next week. And, Chrisitan has, of course, been the perfect host already - making me feel right at home in his home. Thanks, Friend.
Give me a week or two and I will be fine....
No, its not that bad. I am just the queen of nostalgia - you're right, Mom, the grass IS always greener on the other side! Its been great seeing my family and Seattle friends again! I have just spend the week back in Idaho with my family... went from sunbathing on the sandy beach to working in the fields on a dirty farm. Talk about culture shock. Luckily I adapt well.
Back in Seattle this weekend, its time to start to seriously RE-adjust. No more whining about what I left, no more calculating the time difference, and no more daydreaming about what all those that I left are doing there on the island. Time to get serious. I start work at the Greenlake Starbucks (yes, the really nice one with the balcony!) next week. And, Chrisitan has, of course, been the perfect host already - making me feel right at home in his home. Thanks, Friend.
Give me a week or two and I will be fine....
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Shell-shocked
So, I thought I had it all figured out... until I met you. Now I am not so sure.... But that's life for ya - full of surprises.
Monday, June 19, 2006
What I'm bringing home with me...
Its quickly approaching - the end to this short short chapter. Many might think that this short trip could not have been so influential, full of so much impact. But, those are people who have not lived on Maui. Trust me, my friends, this 9 month stint has changed my life. Nothing like I thought it would be, more than I dreamed it might.
Someone recently asked me what it is that I have learned here on Maui. There are several things. But the single most important thing has been this: to be open with my love and affection. So much of the time we are too focused on the sexual implications of love and affection. We hold back for fear of what others may think. Instead of just trusting ourselves and our ability to love unconditionally, platonically, rhetorically, we reserve ourselves and our affection for only the most dramatic of scenarios. Here, I have found that it is easy for me to love you, to hug you, to kiss you, and to know that such love and affection does not necessarily lead us to the bedroom. Instead it leads to deeper connection and higher importance in our everyday interactions and relationships. It leaves me less jaded, and more excited. It allows me to be more generous and more free. And, that is more than I could have ever asked for.
Thursday night when I get on that plane, I will no doubt be in tears... we all know how I am. I will be sad, I will be nervous, I will be excited. But most of all, I will be grateful.
Someone recently asked me what it is that I have learned here on Maui. There are several things. But the single most important thing has been this: to be open with my love and affection. So much of the time we are too focused on the sexual implications of love and affection. We hold back for fear of what others may think. Instead of just trusting ourselves and our ability to love unconditionally, platonically, rhetorically, we reserve ourselves and our affection for only the most dramatic of scenarios. Here, I have found that it is easy for me to love you, to hug you, to kiss you, and to know that such love and affection does not necessarily lead us to the bedroom. Instead it leads to deeper connection and higher importance in our everyday interactions and relationships. It leaves me less jaded, and more excited. It allows me to be more generous and more free. And, that is more than I could have ever asked for.
Thursday night when I get on that plane, I will no doubt be in tears... we all know how I am. I will be sad, I will be nervous, I will be excited. But most of all, I will be grateful.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Living in Lavendar
I love the smell of lavendar. It is pretty much my favorite smell. So clean and so calming (imagine that!). And it reminds me of my mom. Today I went upcountry to visit the Kula Lavendar Farm - one of the now checked off items on my "Do These Things Before Leaving The Island" list. It was lovely. And, wow - can't say that I knew you could do that much with lavendar. Sure, lavendar soap, lotion, oil, even lavendar tea - all those I can see. But, lavendar vinegar, lavendar scones, lavendar lemonade, even Lavendar chocolate! Pretty flippin' impressive if you ask me. And, lets just say, they aren't lying when they say Lavendar is a relaxing aromatherapy. I was about as relaxed as I could get, my eyelids growing heavier and heavier driving back. We're lucky I made it home.
I've been packing this week... have to be out of my house in a week. Its amazing how much shit I have here. I mean, seriously? Who moves with this much crap? And how the hell do I acquire more? But, I have been utilizing will power and the oversized garbage can we own. "If you haven't seen it since you moved in, it probably should go. If you didn't know you even had it, it definitely goes." So far so good. By the time I get back to Seattle, I should be an expert at this game.
Shit! A God damned gecko just scared the crap out of me. We're talking a jump and a full-on yelp. Nice one, little guy. That's one thing I can't say I'll miss - the common presence of little critters EVERYWHERE. Sure, they're technically harmless, but they also have the ability to give you a heart attack when they scurry up the wall next to you (or fall on you, as in one case last week). Its about enough to make me come out of my [yes, freckled and sunkissed] skin....
Ahh, it's only 9:50, but my bed is calling me. It's saying, "Sara, you have to work a double tomorrow, and you're gonna be hatin' life in the morning if you don't slip into these sheets soon..." Yah, yah, yah - I'm coming.....
I've been packing this week... have to be out of my house in a week. Its amazing how much shit I have here. I mean, seriously? Who moves with this much crap? And how the hell do I acquire more? But, I have been utilizing will power and the oversized garbage can we own. "If you haven't seen it since you moved in, it probably should go. If you didn't know you even had it, it definitely goes." So far so good. By the time I get back to Seattle, I should be an expert at this game.
Shit! A God damned gecko just scared the crap out of me. We're talking a jump and a full-on yelp. Nice one, little guy. That's one thing I can't say I'll miss - the common presence of little critters EVERYWHERE. Sure, they're technically harmless, but they also have the ability to give you a heart attack when they scurry up the wall next to you (or fall on you, as in one case last week). Its about enough to make me come out of my [yes, freckled and sunkissed] skin....
Ahh, it's only 9:50, but my bed is calling me. It's saying, "Sara, you have to work a double tomorrow, and you're gonna be hatin' life in the morning if you don't slip into these sheets soon..." Yah, yah, yah - I'm coming.....
Friday, April 14, 2006
Seattle Summer
So.... it's official!!! I am coming home TO SEATTLE this summer! I arrive June 23rd! Woohoo! I am sad to be leaving Maui, but I am making the most of it. And, as everyone knows I love Seattle, so its not a hard place to go back to. And Seattle in the summer is the best!
Not sure how long I will be there, but at least until September. Then, I hope to go through with my NY plans! But, as we all know, I work best on the quarter system --- so I am making no plans for more than 3 months in advance!
It will have been such a fun 9 months on-island! And, as I knew I would, I have made some priceless friendships here. So now to add to my ever-expanding worldly collection, I have my Maui Friends! Yes, I am one lucky girl... my cup runneth over.
Anyway, all you Seattle folk... get ready for a little Hawaiian love, as I can't wait to see your gorgeous faces in a couple of months! It'll be a fun summer! I promise to bring back some sunshine....
Not sure how long I will be there, but at least until September. Then, I hope to go through with my NY plans! But, as we all know, I work best on the quarter system --- so I am making no plans for more than 3 months in advance!
It will have been such a fun 9 months on-island! And, as I knew I would, I have made some priceless friendships here. So now to add to my ever-expanding worldly collection, I have my Maui Friends! Yes, I am one lucky girl... my cup runneth over.
Anyway, all you Seattle folk... get ready for a little Hawaiian love, as I can't wait to see your gorgeous faces in a couple of months! It'll be a fun summer! I promise to bring back some sunshine....
Sunday, April 9, 2006
Road Ends Ahead
Okay. So, I tried my hardest to be normal, to be sane, to be funny and likeable. I wanted to be that crazy, fun, and desirable person I was when we first met. I know whats going on now between him and the other girl. I've known for quite some time now but, I was adamant about not allowing it to affect me. However, plans change when you realize something is completely over, that it is simply never going to happen again. You suddenly force yourself to have no care in the world, no worries on what he may think about you. And you suddenly lose the ability to cut yourself off after a bottle of wine... or two.
He is uncomfortable, and I am... direct. I have always been good at plowing through awkwardness - cracking a joke, forcing conversation, flashing the perma-smile to avoid any suspicion or unwanted comments. I cant lie worth shit, but I will go through hell and highwater to avoid an awkward situation. And, tonight I waded through it with all my might. As we spoke casually, I shoved the erotic flashbacks as far away from me as I could. I refused to allow the pictures to take shape in my head. At times I would see them start to form, but I would immediately distract myself by starting a completely random conversation. I spoke flippidly of other men. I engaged in numerous other conversations. And, I let it roll casually off my tongue that I was leaving in 2 months. He took it in and then, without a step, threw it right back at me with a nonchalant and forgettable comment. Apparently two can play this game, and apparently we both play it very well.
To make matters worse, no one really knows about our tiny, yet satisfying affair. At most, a few know a handful of conservative details. I certainly didnt make it public knowledge and I highly doubt he did either. So every sexual comment, every innuendo, every tiny little joke was funny to everyone else, and funnier (in a much more secretive way) to us.
Its exhausting calculating every move, every comment. You dont want to seem to interested in what he is doing, saying, looking at; yet, you cant help but be a bit distracted by it. You want to seem carefree and jovial, but not obnoxious and irresponsible. Inevitably you come out with a mixture of all four. And then you worry about it. Maybe even venture to write post a myspace blog about it, all the while wondering who will read it and what they might think. However, then you, if you are like me, remind yourself that it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks, as long as at the end of it all you are satisfied with what you think.
And, though this path is pointing towards a Dead End, I am completely satisfied with what I think. I just hope that he was satisfied too....
He is uncomfortable, and I am... direct. I have always been good at plowing through awkwardness - cracking a joke, forcing conversation, flashing the perma-smile to avoid any suspicion or unwanted comments. I cant lie worth shit, but I will go through hell and highwater to avoid an awkward situation. And, tonight I waded through it with all my might. As we spoke casually, I shoved the erotic flashbacks as far away from me as I could. I refused to allow the pictures to take shape in my head. At times I would see them start to form, but I would immediately distract myself by starting a completely random conversation. I spoke flippidly of other men. I engaged in numerous other conversations. And, I let it roll casually off my tongue that I was leaving in 2 months. He took it in and then, without a step, threw it right back at me with a nonchalant and forgettable comment. Apparently two can play this game, and apparently we both play it very well.
To make matters worse, no one really knows about our tiny, yet satisfying affair. At most, a few know a handful of conservative details. I certainly didnt make it public knowledge and I highly doubt he did either. So every sexual comment, every innuendo, every tiny little joke was funny to everyone else, and funnier (in a much more secretive way) to us.
Its exhausting calculating every move, every comment. You dont want to seem to interested in what he is doing, saying, looking at; yet, you cant help but be a bit distracted by it. You want to seem carefree and jovial, but not obnoxious and irresponsible. Inevitably you come out with a mixture of all four. And then you worry about it. Maybe even venture to write post a myspace blog about it, all the while wondering who will read it and what they might think. However, then you, if you are like me, remind yourself that it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks, as long as at the end of it all you are satisfied with what you think.
And, though this path is pointing towards a Dead End, I am completely satisfied with what I think. I just hope that he was satisfied too....
Monday, March 27, 2006
Rain Like a Lullaby
Can't say this wasn't a bit of a weird day…
Woke up with a somewhat sickening realization, one that left me feeling disappointed, oblivious, and a bit undesirable. Gotta love those awakenings when you are lost in thought before you even open your eyes. Not regret, per say… just a slow, yet so sudden, realization. This is vague, I know… but vague is a good description of it.
Then, I proceed to disregard the blaring Tsunami Warning alarm going off outside, its purpose to encourage people to evacuate coastlines, and head to the hills. As I sit on the bed (in a house just feet from such coastline), and make no move to do such things, I can't help but wonder if I will be one of the dumb dead who blindly ignored a blatant warning of danger. Instead, we go for coffee (priorities, you know). Mid-Latte, we learn that there has apparently been some sort of a "malfunction". I hope that the next time the alarm goes off, it will be another malfunction, because I am pretty damn sure I will have just about the same reaction. No, Mom, I DON'T have a plan for this.
On my cloudy, contemplative drive back across the island to my house, I finally talk to Friend. A week and a half ago, I made the decision to start my plans for leaving Maui in the Fall. And my plans have taken shape in a big N-Y. Excited to fill my best friend in on my new plans, I am shocked to hear he has some new plans of his own… to move to New York in September. What? Crazy! Still a little dumb-founded. Hope you meant it, Charlie, when you said you wished you had some Seattle there with you! Cause, Baby, I think you are about to get a bit of a treat!
New York? You ask. But you just moved to Maui last year. Yes, this I know (but thanks for reminding me). And, as I've known for a long time now, one place is not for me right now. I crave the adventure, the process of falling in love with a new location, a new environment, new people. Not because I hate the present or regret the past, but because I crave the future. I am 25 – TWENTY FIVE! – and I am doing what I want. I am creating my life. And, I am enamored with it.
As I closed up the store tonight, I listened to my messages, and a voice came across the phone that I hadn't heard for quite some time. In fact, I wondered how long it might be before I heard this voice. And, it took my breath away. The Voice and I have a long and happy history that became complicated in the most unexpected, yet endearing way. And, I have forgiven the Voice for its absence because I know how it has been feeling these past few months. I know it scarringly well (yes - I am aware this is not a word, but just go with it). The irony: on my way to work today, I dropped a birthday card in the mail – it was addressed to the Voice. Yes, it took my breath away.
Anyway, I think now I will go to sleep. Slip into clean sheets, enjoy my own bed, and dream freely, continuously, and without interruption. The rain falling outside is like a lullaby. Ahh… this is my life. My ever-expanding life.
Woke up with a somewhat sickening realization, one that left me feeling disappointed, oblivious, and a bit undesirable. Gotta love those awakenings when you are lost in thought before you even open your eyes. Not regret, per say… just a slow, yet so sudden, realization. This is vague, I know… but vague is a good description of it.
Then, I proceed to disregard the blaring Tsunami Warning alarm going off outside, its purpose to encourage people to evacuate coastlines, and head to the hills. As I sit on the bed (in a house just feet from such coastline), and make no move to do such things, I can't help but wonder if I will be one of the dumb dead who blindly ignored a blatant warning of danger. Instead, we go for coffee (priorities, you know). Mid-Latte, we learn that there has apparently been some sort of a "malfunction". I hope that the next time the alarm goes off, it will be another malfunction, because I am pretty damn sure I will have just about the same reaction. No, Mom, I DON'T have a plan for this.
On my cloudy, contemplative drive back across the island to my house, I finally talk to Friend. A week and a half ago, I made the decision to start my plans for leaving Maui in the Fall. And my plans have taken shape in a big N-Y. Excited to fill my best friend in on my new plans, I am shocked to hear he has some new plans of his own… to move to New York in September. What? Crazy! Still a little dumb-founded. Hope you meant it, Charlie, when you said you wished you had some Seattle there with you! Cause, Baby, I think you are about to get a bit of a treat!
New York? You ask. But you just moved to Maui last year. Yes, this I know (but thanks for reminding me). And, as I've known for a long time now, one place is not for me right now. I crave the adventure, the process of falling in love with a new location, a new environment, new people. Not because I hate the present or regret the past, but because I crave the future. I am 25 – TWENTY FIVE! – and I am doing what I want. I am creating my life. And, I am enamored with it.
As I closed up the store tonight, I listened to my messages, and a voice came across the phone that I hadn't heard for quite some time. In fact, I wondered how long it might be before I heard this voice. And, it took my breath away. The Voice and I have a long and happy history that became complicated in the most unexpected, yet endearing way. And, I have forgiven the Voice for its absence because I know how it has been feeling these past few months. I know it scarringly well (yes - I am aware this is not a word, but just go with it). The irony: on my way to work today, I dropped a birthday card in the mail – it was addressed to the Voice. Yes, it took my breath away.
Anyway, I think now I will go to sleep. Slip into clean sheets, enjoy my own bed, and dream freely, continuously, and without interruption. The rain falling outside is like a lullaby. Ahh… this is my life. My ever-expanding life.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
6 Months
Well, it's here... the 6th month mark. And apparently all of this is normal right about now: the constant need for reassurance, the long phone conversations, the text messages, the emails. And, the desperation for someone from home to come visit.
I cried today at the mention of a name of someone from home. Cried! And, I was at work, behind the bar at Starbucks. What is wrong with me? I don't cry over shit like that. EVER! Don't even utter the letters, P-M-S. Not it, my friend, not it.
It's wierd... I am having fun on Maui (the really good kind of fun, the kind where you know you will look back on this with sick sort of pride or nostalgia - "yeah, I did that") but, God Damn, I am missing Seattle suddenly. I am missing all of you in Seattle....
So how long does this typical 6th month mark behavior last???
I cried today at the mention of a name of someone from home. Cried! And, I was at work, behind the bar at Starbucks. What is wrong with me? I don't cry over shit like that. EVER! Don't even utter the letters, P-M-S. Not it, my friend, not it.
It's wierd... I am having fun on Maui (the really good kind of fun, the kind where you know you will look back on this with sick sort of pride or nostalgia - "yeah, I did that") but, God Damn, I am missing Seattle suddenly. I am missing all of you in Seattle....
So how long does this typical 6th month mark behavior last???
Saturday, March 11, 2006
You
I miss you. I do. I know you think that I am side-tracked, distracted, in another world... and maybe I am, but I do miss you. I love that you know me inside and out. That you have no hesitation holding my head up when I am sick from too much Vodka-cran (a situation I may be in later tonight). I love that you know my secret. You know how to love me... what to say and what not to say. And i miss that. You are my friend, no more, no less. And I do miss you. I am sorry if I act as though I don't. I do it out of need to feel less dependent, less committed, less vulnerable. Not out of a need to hurt you. Forgive me.....
You have been lovely, for years. Promise me you'll be that way forever... no matter how far apart we are.
You have been lovely, for years. Promise me you'll be that way forever... no matter how far apart we are.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Hussy?
A friend and I came to the conclusion tonight that the term hussy is really underused (great conversation, on all topics, by the way). I mean, how many times do we hear the word slut? Too many. And where slut is defined by Webster as a "slovenly [dirty] woman, hussy is defined as a "willful woman". I like that much better. Yes, I think that we should really switch to using this alternative more often. What do you think?
So, I am thinking of getting a third job... I know, I am fucking crazy. But, I honestly don't see myself surviving financially out here in paradise without it. I think I need to get a serving job or something - something I can make good tips at. Contemplating cutting hours back to 20 at The Buck and, taking on 25 or so at a restaurant.... ohhh, to think that I am exhausted now....
So, who's going to be the first to come visit me? (sorry, Liz, you don't count - you're parents live here so you would have come at Christmas, with or without me here) I am getting antsy - craving the familiarity of a Northwesterner... I know you are all looking for a break from the cold soggy weather.... come out here and be warm and soggy (the humidity has been a bitch the last few days). There are so many touristy things I have yet to do - I am waiting to experience them with you when you come over... make it sooner rather than later, okay???
So, I am thinking of getting a third job... I know, I am fucking crazy. But, I honestly don't see myself surviving financially out here in paradise without it. I think I need to get a serving job or something - something I can make good tips at. Contemplating cutting hours back to 20 at The Buck and, taking on 25 or so at a restaurant.... ohhh, to think that I am exhausted now....
So, who's going to be the first to come visit me? (sorry, Liz, you don't count - you're parents live here so you would have come at Christmas, with or without me here) I am getting antsy - craving the familiarity of a Northwesterner... I know you are all looking for a break from the cold soggy weather.... come out here and be warm and soggy (the humidity has been a bitch the last few days). There are so many touristy things I have yet to do - I am waiting to experience them with you when you come over... make it sooner rather than later, okay???
Thursday, February 2, 2006
Time for Intervention?
Here it is almost 10:30 a.m. and I am nowhere even close to the office. I had big plans of going in at 8 and working a great deal of the day.... but, well, obviously that didn't happen. Instead I stayed in bed until 9 and then proceeded to fill out a new MySpace Survey for my profile. Can we say, addiction?
Real quick: you know how in public restrooms, they place that sign that reads, "All employees are required to wash their hands before leaving the restroom"? Well, I am tempted to put one up next to it, that says "We encourage you to do the same."
Okay, I really am going to work now....
Real quick: you know how in public restrooms, they place that sign that reads, "All employees are required to wash their hands before leaving the restroom"? Well, I am tempted to put one up next to it, that says "We encourage you to do the same."
Okay, I really am going to work now....
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
I've Never
That game "I've Never..." is such a joke. It really has nothing to do with the NEVER part. It is just a great excuse for everyone to eventually advertise the "bad" things they have, in fact, done - the unexpected actions, their promiscuity, their sins, maybe even a few regrets. Think about it, how many times have you started out playing "I've Never" and ended up playing "One Time I..." Believe it or not, I recently played a version where you could actually say "I NEVER" when you in fact HAD done it; you just had to drink after you said it. If that's not looking for an excuse to advertise, I don't know what is.
And the fact that it is supposed to be a Drinking Game... ha! Whenever you have done something that someone else NEVER has, you have to drink, signaling your guilt. In all actuality, we just sit around drinking throughout the game like fishes. Sure, we take an exceptionally long and noticeable drink when we must, but really the whole thing is simply a more acceptable way of getting drunk and seeing who has been the baddest.
And, well, okay - it is fun. Who wants to play? :)
And the fact that it is supposed to be a Drinking Game... ha! Whenever you have done something that someone else NEVER has, you have to drink, signaling your guilt. In all actuality, we just sit around drinking throughout the game like fishes. Sure, we take an exceptionally long and noticeable drink when we must, but really the whole thing is simply a more acceptable way of getting drunk and seeing who has been the baddest.
And, well, okay - it is fun. Who wants to play? :)
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Back to Maui
Such a better flight today than four months ago. No tears were shed; no need for the sunglasses. The morning's farewell was sweet, but not sad, not heartwrenching this time. Things are different now.
What a good trip. We forget some of the small things, the feel of the damp cool air, the smell of the evergreen, and the comfort of familiarity.
Seattle is my favorite, with so many of my favorite people, but Maui is calling me back... for a little while, at least.
What a good trip. We forget some of the small things, the feel of the damp cool air, the smell of the evergreen, and the comfort of familiarity.
Seattle is my favorite, with so many of my favorite people, but Maui is calling me back... for a little while, at least.
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