Road Ends Ahead

Okay. So, I tried my hardest to be normal, to be sane, to be funny and likeable. I wanted to be that crazy, fun, and desirable person I was when we first met. I know whats going on now between him and the other girl. I've known for quite some time now but, I was adamant about not allowing it to affect me. However, plans change when you realize something is completely over, that it is simply never going to happen again. You suddenly force yourself to have no care in the world, no worries on what he may think about you. And you suddenly lose the ability to cut yourself off after a bottle of wine... or two.

He is uncomfortable, and I am... direct. I have always been good at plowing through awkwardness - cracking a joke, forcing conversation, flashing the perma-smile to avoid any suspicion or unwanted comments. I cant lie worth shit, but I will go through hell and highwater to avoid an awkward situation. And, tonight I waded through it with all my might. As we spoke casually, I shoved the erotic flashbacks as far away from me as I could. I refused to allow the pictures to take shape in my head. At times I would see them start to form, but I would immediately distract myself by starting a completely random conversation. I spoke flippidly of other men. I engaged in numerous other conversations. And, I let it roll casually off my tongue that I was leaving in 2 months. He took it in and then, without a step, threw it right back at me with a nonchalant and forgettable comment. Apparently two can play this game, and apparently we both play it very well.

To make matters worse, no one really knows about our tiny, yet satisfying affair. At most, a few know a handful of conservative details. I certainly didnt make it public knowledge and I highly doubt he did either. So every sexual comment, every innuendo, every tiny little joke was funny to everyone else, and funnier (in a much more secretive way) to us.

Its exhausting calculating every move, every comment. You dont want to seem to interested in what he is doing, saying, looking at; yet, you cant help but be a bit distracted by it. You want to seem carefree and jovial, but not obnoxious and irresponsible. Inevitably you come out with a mixture of all four. And then you worry about it. Maybe even venture to write post a myspace blog about it, all the while wondering who will read it and what they might think. However, then you, if you are like me, remind yourself that it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks, as long as at the end of it all you are satisfied with what you think.

And, though this path is pointing towards a Dead End, I am completely satisfied with what I think. I just hope that he was satisfied too....