Where do I start?

Oh. My. God. This weekend, I was let in on the secret that apparently 47 million other people have already heard about: Rebecca Black's Friday song. Where do I start? This might not only be the most ridiculous video ever to be made, but also the worst song of 2011 (hell, maybe of the century) so far. WTF? Please (PLEASE!) someone tell me that the 47 million YouTube hits are out of absolute disbelief and appall and not out of admiration.

First of all, who the hell authorized this painful and what I suspect soon-to-be regretful display of bad, bad, bad choices? Her parents have got to be dilusional. The media is no doubt going to rip this poor little girl's heart out, not to mention shred her self image. As if girls don't have enough things going against them in their teen years when it comes to self esteem and peer pressure, this one is about to have it about 1800 times worse. Again, I ask: what kind of parents authorized this blatant exploitation?

The over-the-top video is... hmmm, what's the word... oh yes, stupid. Moronically stupid, actually. Here we have a 13 (YES THIRTEEN) year old, who is not only made up like an underage hooker, but shown cruising around with her "friends" at night. Yes, I repeat again: THIRTEEN. So let's see, by my calculation it seems that this 7th grader is chillin' with sophomores (as I assume they are not driving around without a driver's license)? I don't mean to get all grandma on us here, but I remember what 16 year old boys were wanting with the younger girls when I was that age, and I can guarantee its only heightened to a whole new level in the last 20 years. What used to be just some oh-so-bad, way-too-much-tongue making out is now a hell of a lot more advanced. And, supposedly, according to a personal source of mine (who shall remain nameless) girls are going for it. Oh sweethearts, if you only knew how good it could be -- how waiting just a little longer will give you the power and the confidence to say what you want and how you want it, as well as what you don't want, and actually get the results that you can't even imagine yet at your tender age. But, I digress...

And, wow, the lyrics are absolutely ridiculous. "Yesterday was Thursday, Today is Friday... Tomorrow is Saturday"? Really? Those are really your lyrics? Thank you, lyricist (because I am venturing to guess that little Rebecca didn't write the song), for reminding us the order of the days of the week. I realize that with a 13 year old singing, you can't exactly write a song about the thing higher quality songs tend to elude to: love, sex, and heartache. But, c'mon, you could at least put an ounce more effort into it and come up with something a little better than the f*ing progression of a week. As that wasn't enough, you fill up several measures with a whole hell of a lot of oooh's and ahhh's. Now there's talent; you must be so proud.

Next, since when does a preteen voice dubbed with an auto tuner qualify as musical talent? I would venture to guess that young Rebecca has a decent voice, and probably one that could become quite amazing with the right amount of coaching and instruction. But, what the producers of this song did was just make her sound like a female version of Kermit. How about this for an approach? Teach the girl to sing, and then record HER voice... alone.

Okay, finally, who is the dude in the middle of the track with the rap verse. Please do not tell me its some 30+ year old rapstar like Usher or someone. It'll send me into another tangent.

So, is this what pop music has come to? Moreover, is this what parents will do nowadays to make money? It used to be that they would drag their kids to audition after audition for rather embarrassing (yet completely benign) cereal commercials in hopes their child would be the next childstar. But, since when did dressing your preteen daughter up, pancaking her face with poorly applied makeup, and encouraging her to make a complete fool of herself for 47 MILLION PEOPLE become okay?

Oh Rebecca, darling, I'm so sorry for what you're about to go through. You might consider emancipating from your parents and seeking a real role model....