Sunday, January 12, 2014

Things I Learned in 2013


(in addition, that is, to the things I'm still learning from 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011 and 2012)


Vacationing alone is not lonely; it’s awesome.

Online dating – it’s ok if after you’ve tried it, you decide it’s not for you.

Dragonboat racing… who knew!?!?

El Clase Azul tequila on the rocks, with lime, no salt, on a beach in Mexico, at sunset… perfecta.

Be patient, yet persistent: it’s the best strategy for getting what you want.

Twenty-five year olds: they’re fun and energetic and therefore, be careful…

Having something big and exciting to save for makes saving quite a bit easier.

Transitions can be tough, but if you can just get through the first few months, it might be worth every bit of the pain.

Seeing Phantogram 3 times in 3 weeks isn’t too much; its epic, and worth every penny.

5 years at one place of employment is an accomplishment to be proud of.

Starting to plan for something big is not only exciting but also relieves the pressures of other things.

Hangovers in your 30s are nothing like hangovers in your 20s….

There may be someone that will always inexplicably tug at your heart, but you can also know you’re not at all meant to be with him.

I’m really not into Disney movies.  Really.

Huh.  Chicken stock and chicken broth aren’t actually the same thing.

Age... in either direction... is just a number; its what you make of it that counts.

Sequins: they’re kinda my thing.

My love for sun is only outweighed by my love for Seattle: This. Is. My home.

And... someday I will have a baby.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Eat this, Michael Douglas...


So it seems the more appropriate topic to reinstate the blog, given my current location, would be something more island-like, vacation-esque. Something about how I’m more relaxed than ever, that I’m finding time for myself, that I’m really contemplating life.  Yeah… no. While yes, I am quite tranquilo here in this Mexican paradise, and yes I have found myself contemplating a variety of conundrums some of which have been newly reinstated after a long hiatus, this is not a soul-searching self-discovery retreat. I am not Julia Roberts in Eat Pray Love, Diane Lane in Under the Tuscan Sky, Angela Bassett in How Stella Got Her Groove Back.  And, so instead, I am going to start with a topic that is presumably less expected, less cliché, and quite frankly in my opinion way more important to way more people.  Mom – I will preface this right now by saying you may wish to stop reading here; I’m about to talk a whole lot about oral sex.

Many of you, like me, saw it on Facebook – numerous media outlets posted it.  I caught wind via Huffington Post’s feed.  It seems Michael Douglas was in need of some attention last week, perhaps understandably given Charlie Sheen's ability to hoard it all in the last 24 months (regardless of their relation, or lack thereof).  But, really, Michael – did you have to do it this way?  Your little PR stunt of announcing that your throat cancer was caused by none-other-than performing too much cunnilingus (I assume I don’t need to explain this to term to my readers, but just in case: that’s oral sex on a woman) very well could have systematically threatened a good portion of many women’s only chances of a guaranteed orgasm for years to come.  Really?  Really?  Why, Michael, why!?!  Yes, I know there was an updated story the next day saying that’s not what he meant.  Fuck off.  It doesn’t matter.  You said it, bud.  You think people are really going to remember the updated correction?  No.  Men everywhere who dread the act that so many of us ladies crave (and for fuck’s sake, even need), now have the perfect excuse in their back pocket – even if it’s a complete pile of bullshit.

Case in point: just before departing to Mexican paradise, I shared a drink (yes, tequila!) with a male friend of mine.  Mid-drink, he asked unbelievably if I had heard about Mr. Douglas and his HPV-caused cancer.  Dear God.  Thank you, Michael. Here. We. Go. To my friend’s credit, I happen to know that he isn’t one to shy away from such gifts in the bedroom, and therefore I don’t think he was looking at this bit of info as a free pass, but more as a holy fuck, are you serious?!  But, ladies, we all know that sadly my friend is not the norm (though I do have a theory that enjoyment of giving oral sex is actually on the rise for men… but that’s a different story). 

And so, I decided it was my duty as a woman (a woman who very much enjoys oral sex – sorry, Mom!) to make every effort to debunk this potentially very harmful propaganda. And so, here are my What the Fuck, Michael? Fun Facts

Disclaimer: I am not a statistician, nor a researcher, so I will whole-heartedly admit that my statistics below could be completely off, but I’m willing to take that gamble.  They may not be completely perfect, but I have to believe that the sociology major in me can’t be completely off track here. You tell me….

WTF Michael? Fun Fact #1:  
HPV is not a female-only affliction.  In fact, the reason HPV is so prevalent these days is because half the infected population – ahem, MEN – almost never have any signs or symptoms for most strains.  Therefore, one could look at this and say, “Yo Michael, you’re sure it was only cunnilingus that got you here?  Technically, it could be fellatio as well, my friend.  How many dudes have you gone down on in the last 55 years?” Moreover, once Mr. Douglas was diagnosed, did he refuse blowjobs from Catherine just to minimize her risk?  Hmmmm... something tells me No. 

WTF Michael? Fun Fact #2:
It is estimated now that nearly all sexually active men and women will have HPV at some point in their lives, including those who have only had one sexual partner and those who always use a condom.  It’s that prevalent.  But yes, while there are risks associated with some strains, it is relatively harmless on the STI/STD Richter scale and quite frankly the risks associated with HPV are so much higher for women than they are for men.  There are over 120 different types of HPV, 40 of which are sexually transmitted, and only 15 of which are considered high-risk strains carrying the threat of cancers.  And, of those 15 high-risk strains, only 2 are associated with Mr. Douglas’ now famous oropharynx (back of the throat) cancer.  The other 13 are spread across the rest of the body, including ovarian, colorectal, and cervical.  In fact, of the 33,000 HPV-associated cancer cases that occur annually in the US, 21,000 are women-only cancers.  You see, HPV-caused cancer is not a new thing, fellas.  We’ve been dealing with this risk for years. 

WTF Michael? Fun Fact #3:
According the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), there are only about 5,600 men in the US who get oropharynx cancer each year – most of which are linked to alcohol and tobacco use, not HPV.   So let’s put this in perspective:  There are 316 million people in the US right now, 49% of which are men (155 million).  Now, for the purposes of this argument, I’m going to be conservative and only count those over 20 years of age as those who are sexually active.  The US Census Bureau estimates that 75% of the population is over the age of 20, making the sexually active male population of the US roughly 116 million men (yes, I realize that’s assuming all men over 20 are having sex… but I’m going with it).  SOOOOOOOOO… of 116 million sexually active men, 5,600 get “back of the throat” cancer each year.  If the calculator app on my iPhone is correct, that means only about .004% of sexually active men in the US actually get oropharynx cancer each year, most of which can only be linked to alcohol and tobacco-use.  Point zero zero four percent!!!!  I hate to break it to you, but we have a much higher percentage risk of getting pregnant while using a condom than that.  Perhaps we should go abstinence only until we want to have a baby?  Yeah, I didn’t think so.

All in all, I am in no way trying to downplay the seriousness of HPV or its potential cause for more serious or life-threatening health issues.  But, I do find it borderline offensive the amount of attention Mr. Douglas’ comment got, and for the reasons that it got such attention. HPV is not a new thing.  HPV-caused cancer is not a new thing. And Michael Douglas’ throat cancer is not a new thing.  Now, more than ever, parents of all 13-year-old boys and girls should schedule their Gardisil vaccinations for the obvious health implications – and if not for that, then for the longevity of equal-opportunity oral-induced orgasms for years to come.

Now, if only this blogpost and others like it could go as viral (no pun intended) as Mr. Fuck You Douglas’ original statements did.  Nope, not gonna happen.  However, how about this?  Consider posting this on your Facebook feed, and anytime you hear some guy say something about the risk of getting throat cancer from tasting the divine fruit between his lady’s thighs (nevermind giving her all the pleasure she deserves), help a lady out and offer him a WTF Michael Fun Fact.

All original statistics on HPV and US Population came from the Centers for Disease Care andPrevention and the United States Census Bureau. The rest of the conclusions – correct or not – are brought to you straight from my mojito-infused afternoon on the beach.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

The Horrendous Valentine’s Day Cliché Game


Alright, kids, I know tomorrow is your absolute favorite, much-anticipated holiday of the year (ahem...).  But, in order to make it even more fun, a little VDay game:

The Horrendous Valentine’s Day Cliché Game (beta)
 Brainchildren & Creators: Anna Larsen and Sara Watson

GOAL OF THE GAME: Using the score card below, get as many points as possible.

RULES:
·         --You must witness these things in person (reading about them, hearing about them, dreaming about them does not count).
--You must witness these things between the hours of 12:00 a.m. and 11:59 p.m. on Thursday, February 14th 2013.
--To prove you’ve witnessed the horrendous VDay cliché, you must provide time and place of sighting along with a brief description.
--Items for-sale do not count (you can’t count an edible arrangement you see at WF)
--You must reply to this email to the Brainchildren & Creators (and anyone else you’d like to brag to) with your results NO later than 10:00 a.m. Friday 2/15. And, yes, the Brainchildren and Creators will also be playing.
 
SCORING: 
·         --Each cliché has been assigned a point value based on the likelihood of you witnessing the cliché. 
·         --There are 125 points possible.
·        -- BUT WAIT!  There’s a bonus! Any cliché can receive one bonus point if you take a picture of it, making the total with photos 150.

PRIZES:  Points will be tallied by the Brainchildren & Creators of THVDC, LLC on Friday, 2/15.  A much-desired topical prize will be awarded to the player with the most points.  Special mentions for exceptional contributions may also be awarded at the discretion of the Brainchildren & Creators.

Pts
The Horrendous Valentine’s Day Cliché
Witnessed/Proof/Description
2
Someone carrying around bad flowers


4
Someone with an “edible arrangement”


1
Coworker shares with you some VDay chocolate


3
Someone wearing an all-red outfit (red on every visible item)


1
“Happy Valentine’s Day” salutation in a work email


3
Receive a musical/singing VDay card


3
Randomly hear a Celine Dion (or equivalent) love song in a public place (document time and place)


1
Candy hearts – get ‘em or give ‘em


4
Witness a VDay special delivery to a coworker


10
Witness a marriage proposal


4
Witness an obvious 1st date (blind/internet)


2
Witness the VDay Girls Night Out Date


2
See that the WF Real Change Guy is in costume (must provide a description of the costume)


1-10
FILL IN!! Most repulsive VDay-related occurrence/sentiment (to be judged by Anna and Sara:  1pt if it’s just annoying, 10pts if we throw up a little in our mouths)*


3
Man wearing a pink shirt


3
Heart Antenna headband


2
Receive an actual VDay card from a coworker


4
Dog wearing VDay garb


4
Girl wearing an outfit that has a disproportionate skin-to-clothing ratio (at least 60% skin showing required)


2
You are given a VDay discount for something


1
Hear a tv/radio ad that has something to do with proposing on VDay (bleh!)


2
Coworker brings in VDay baked goods to share


3
YOU bring in VDay baked goods to share


1
Overhear a VDay bitchfest (example: “Valentine’s day is so stupid.  Why would I show I love someone more today than any other day? This sucks.”)


50
Publically serenade both Anna and Sara with a cheesy love song (can be done together or separate, must be within earshot of others and last at least 30 seconds)



 * Brainchildren & Creators will get a third party, objective opinion for our submissions.