The things we recognize but do not say

we go out, fall into a slight intoxication - not enough to constitute as drunk, but enough to make us stare a little longer, and smile a little bigger. enough to make us say more than maybe we should. enough to make us turn off our cell phones and forget about others. you talk to me about her and while you never say it directly, you tell me in your lazy descriptions what i know. you want so bad for it to work out, for what you have with her seems so perfect. more perfect than anything before. i don't pry, i don't encourage a deeper dish about the problems. instead i listen and smile and wonder if this smile is making it worse. you're doing the thing you used to do, you're watching my lips form the words, occasionally glancing back up to my eyes as if to briefly check in with me. its a contagious behavior and i find myself doing the same to you. you slip and say my name in a drawn out manner, as if you are going to tell me something you shouldn't. its the pause before a leap that i recognize from a sometimes-brief and sometimes-long time ago. i wait for it, silently struggling with hope and fear. your eyes bounce from corner to corner in the room. i see how uncomfortable you are and in an effort to distract you from it, i catch the eye of the waiter and order us 2 more drinks. it works and the moment has passed. and, as beautiful as what has just happened may seem to others, we both breathe a deep inaudible sigh of relief.

Light blue or dark blue... just as long as its blue

So last week was an exciting week for this OTHER Washington. A brief moment in history that made many of its residents perk up, care and get a little more involved. Like many others, I had been struggling with making the decision who I was in MORE favor of (because, afterall, neither are bad choices) and this just might help. For about six months now I've been inexplicably drawn more toward Clinton, but earlier in the week had, reluctantly yet also confidently, made the decision to support Obama. So, I jumped at the chance to see the two Democratic Candidates in person, no doubt making my dominantly Republican family roll their eyes one more time at my black sheep liberal ways and audacity.

Hillary Clinton's event was first and obviously much smaller than Barack's would be... and not in the best location. We waited 2 hours for her arrival, all the while standing on concrete and desperately wishing for better airflow. I huddled with 5 other friends in the crowd and killed time by talking about pretty much everything but politics. When she did arrive and speak, I couldn't help but be surprised. I had expected a colder version of this woman that the media portrays to be so harsh and insincere. But, what I heard instead was a strong, direct, and confident woman that doubt not only knows what needs to be done, but also how to do it. She incorporated the issue most important to me, the environment, into nearly every issue she spoke about (which was smart considering where she was). At the end I felt empowered and motivated. Of course, my feelings and inspiration could, admittedly, stem from a variety of other factors including the fact that I was raised in a household where femininity and warmth did not take form in a typical supermom fashion. My mother and grandmothers are just like the woman I listened to that night; they are direct and confident and strong in the most bold "I am woman, hear me roar" sense. And they get shit done. Everytime. So what I saw up there on that platform was not a farce of a feminine being, but a true testament to what a woman should and can be. And when I walked outside into the cold wind, a closed-mouth grin spread across my face. I had been pleasantly surprised by what I saw and was secretly relieved by the creeping desire to return to the Clinton Camp.

Friday I, along with a coworker and 2 friends, got in line at Key Arena at 9:30 a.m. sharp. Apparently we were not the only ones to feel the need to get there early; I estimated about 5,000 fellow Washingtonians got there before then with rumors of the line starting as early as 7:00 am. After waiting an hour in the cold wind, we were finally moving and got inside to a seat. This was visibly going to be much different than the previous night's adventure. In front of us was a stage, platforms of media people and cameras, and huge screens above us depicting PSA-like clips aimed at strengthening our commitment to Senator Obama's candidacy. While at times it was exciting, it also possessed a commercial-like aura and something about it made me grimace at the impersonal clash with the previous night's experience. Within 30 mins the place was packed. And I soon heard the estimation that 18,000 people were in the room eagerly awaiting Barack's arrival, and another 3,000 outside disappointed but still "fired up". The biggest surprise was the number of young people in the room, some of whom did not look nearly old enough to vote in November. I couldn't decide whether I was impressed and inspired by their enthusiasm and interest, or irritated and disappointed in their juvenile and obnoxious behavior. When Senator Obama came out, it was like a Stones concert... 18,000 people screaming and camera flashes ignited from all around the room. I recognized the rush that I felt the last time I was there; however it was 3 years ago and I was there to see U2. Hmmmm. Barrack spoke eloquently (as I have heard he does) and within moments I was captivated. He touched on individual issues only briefly, spending most of his emphasis on the bigger picture of creating change and unity. I, being the romantic and persistent optimist that I am, loved what he was saying. I screamed with the crowd in all the right places and believed in his ideas and call for change. I got chills when he called for a country united by inspiration and confidence, no longer divided by politics and competition. And, when I left I was exhausted.

I had hoped that at the end of those 24 hours I would have a much clearer picture on who I should vote for based on their support of the issues that I hold closest to me. However, it didn't happen. From the in-person observations and the later direct comparisons of issues pages on each of their websites, I could draw no definitive conclusion. It reinforced my belief that Senators Obama and Clinton do not differ that much, if at all, in their opinions or plans. In fact, at times while comparing the two, I found it hard to find ANY difference on the issues or in their plans. Instead, what differentiates the two candidates is simply style and history, and thats it. Therefore, on Saturday, at my first ever caucus experience, I had to base my vote on something that I did not anticipate ever having to consider: that is, how I felt when I walked out of each candidate's events that week. And, so, for the reasons listed above, I voted for Hillary - the one who made me feel most empowered, the one who made me feel confident in the how and not just the what, and the one who boasted qualities and strengths that are deeply familiar to me.

What I Learned in 2007

Well, its now 2008 and I feel I must continue last year's What I Learned blog... each year, it changes - thank God. I assume that means I'm not making the same mistakes year after year? Anyway, here goes.

It really is possible to like your job.

Above all else, be nice to people - in the end, you'll feel better.

Yes, I AM just like my mother - and proud of it.

8 months might as well be a lifetime.

Remembering tragedy is part of healing; dwelling on it is not.

Pizza is quite possibly the best food ever created.

Someone can move 3 quarters of the way around the world and still continue to grow closer and closer to you every day.

I really don't like skiing.

Giving someone a second chance doesn't mean that what they did in the first place was okay.

Bumbershoot should be a 21 and over event. Period.

That one doesn't count.... definitely doesn't count.

You have to love yourself before you can truly love someone else.

Its okay to want more.

My favorite things about NYC are Charlie, Kevin and Merissa.

No matter how many times it happens, disappointment is still painful.

Vonage sucks.

Suzanne, Liz, Jenny, and Sarah are more than I could have ever asked for.

Take advantage of your health insurance; when you don't have it, you'll inevitably really need it.

Your lips can be absolutely mesmerizing.

I hate shrimp. Yes, even shrimp cocktail.

Black and White is still my favorite; but Color is definitely growing on me.

Closure is a very satisfying thing.

I'm worth more than what you wanted to give.

While a baby is still not something I long for, its no longer something I never want.

I'm allowed to change my mind, and then change it back again... twice.

Before sunrise speculation

Hmmmm... so its 3:19 a.m. and I'm awake. Why? I have no idea. My bed has suddenly started to make noises. I'm not kidding. It has, in the last few days, developed a squeak. The kicker – it's a wooden bed, so what's squeaking, I'm not entirely sure. With any kind of movement (no, not even just THAT kind of movement), I am suddenly aware of present restlessness. So maybe that's why.

Or maybe I'm stressed – people like to blame a lot of shit on stress. You say, "My neck hurts" or "my eye is twitching" or "I'm exhausted" and they say, "Dude, it's stress" as if it's going to relieve the problem just like that. But, though I have about 692 things going on right now, I don't really feel stressed. While being pulled in every direction at the same time isn't for everyone, I've always thought I kinda like it when the demand is high. But, who knows, maybe its stress from the invisible stress that's stressing me out and waking me up.

Or, maybe its that I'm being haunted. By ghosts? Maybe – it is close to Halloween. But, more likely, haunted by memories – good and bad, pretty and ugly. By the desire to go back to something, or erase something else. Haunted by a touch, a smell, a taste that wakes me up and startles me at the realization that it's not real – not now, not this time. My sudden waking is sometimes a relief, and many other times a disappointment. The live warmth, or the smell of lavender musk, or the faint taste of chapstick is still soothing, even in my most comatic of slumbers, and when I wake up, I feel calm, loved, and lucky. But bright redness has also crept into my dreams again lately, and I push it away the best that I can, self medicating with all things new, nightly kava leaves, and sheer stubbornness of my psyche. I've come so far in 18 months and worked hard to make the harsh, bright and brassy red turn to a deep, warm and soothing red. I will not give in easily to a reappearance. So, maybe that's what has me up.

Whatever it is, its now 4:20 and I'm shivering from the winter coolness that has decided to drop in so quickly and suddenly this year. My eyelids are growing heavy again so I will creep back upstairs and into a warm bed, and hope for three more hours of uninterrupted – stress free, unhaunted, and quiet – sleep.

Where is the sun?

You have no idea how powerful you are. One gaze from across the grass, in which you hold steady and stare deep inside, and I am right back where I was so long ago. My breath catches and something deep down stirs ever so lightly, yet ever so presently. Warm, red scenes flash before me and I can almost feel you, smell you, taste you. I force myself to look away and into the sun, as if to punish my indulgence in temptation. I hate you and try my hardest to stay away from you, and just when I think I am over you, you reach out and touch me, I want so badly to push you way, but I can't. Where is the sun? Where is my punishment? You don't deserve this power, nor do you know you have it - at least I pray you don't know you have it. I don't want to be the pathetic one, the weak one, the one who was wrong. So, instead, I bury myself in others, try frantically to be interested and to be fully satisfied. But I'm losing interest fast and the last thing I remember feeling fully satisfied from was you.